I had to fail

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome." -unknown

I remember the summer after my freshman year in college. After a rough first year of adjusting to college, I made the decision to quit school. It just wasn't for me, and I was tired of wasting my time. Before going to my mother with my decision, I went to my older cousin. At this time, he had started his second year of teaching and coaching football at our high school; and I figured that he would understand the struggle of not wanting to return back to this "hell hole" named college. 

"I don't think I want to go back.", I said. 

His face showed no expression, and his tone showed no emotion, when he asked "Why?".  For about  15 minutes, I went on and on about how hard the classes were, how I felt so out of place, and how after struggling through the first year, I refused to fail at something everyone expected me to do so well at. I told him that college was just not the place for me. I was a free spirit. 

Free spirits like myself didn't belong in a cage like college, but belonged floating around the world discovering their purpose. 

Still with no emotion, and almost "Bill Cosby" like, he told me how full of crap I was. He refused to entertain the thought that me being a "free spirit" was the only thing that was going to stop me from getting my degree. He knew, just as much as I knew, that I was afraid to fail. This conversation between the two of us went on for hours on end, and he ended it with;

"You know, if you're scared to fail, you'll never succeed."

What in the heck was that supposed to mean? After quitting school, I worked here and there, never really feeling fulfilled by anything; and throughout the years, he would remind me through conversations, how I would never succeed, being afraid to fail. I didn't get it. I mean, I heard of many prerequisites for success; but I couldn't recall hearing that failure was one of them. 

After two years of working non stop at jobs that led to only dead ends of self discovery, I was left unemployed for the first time in about five years. I remember calling my mom upset, asking "What am I going to do?!?!". The first question my mother asked was, "Have you registered for your classes?". So that is what I did. The next day, I returned back to the "hell hole" I once feared, and registered for classes. For one year, I did not work. ANYWHERE. I applied for places, but did not get 1 interview in an entire year!

I had failed. Although, I was now back in school and doing exceptionally well; I was left with no vehicle and no money (other than the couple of dollars I earned writing papers for my lazy classmates). Often times, I would hear how lazy I was during this time from family members, and oddly during this time, my cousin was often present saying "This is all apart of the process...keep going."  How backwards was this?!? I just wanted to work, earn money, and find my purpose... how was being in school getting me any closer to my success?

A year after I returned to school, and even made up two school years, in one (yes, I was about that business) I got a job at a local bank, where I stayed at for 2 years. Throughout that time, I often found myself wanting more and wanting to know what else was out there?  I went to some and expressed how I wanted to move away from home. I mean, after being in the same place for the last 23 years, I think I deserved to move away and see what else the world had to offer. But I would constantly hear "You're crazy! Why do you want to move?"

"What happens if you move away and fail?"

and I even heard the comebacks of:

"You're going to fail."

and

"When you fail, I'm going to remind you how you should have listened to me!".

How discouraging is that?!? But eventually, I braved up. I took the advice of my cousin, and moved three hours away. Thankfully, I accepted a job at another bank which located me to the very same city my cousin and his family had just moved to. With much excitement of the new change, I was sure I had hit my destination of success. After living with my cousin and his family for 6 months, I signed the lease to my first apartment. Now, don't get me wrong. The experience in this city was not what I expected. I had high hopes of meeting and making new friends, finding a husband, and being able to "cheat" the idea of having to fail in order to succeed; but that's not how it worked out. I made no new friends outside of the few from work,  the dating pool did not have a high selection of candidates, and I often considered myself a failure when it came to where I was in life.

But that's exactly what I needed.
After spending well over a year in this city, I accepted a position in a city only 2 hours away from home...
And this is where it hit me:
I was no longer allowing the fear of failure to hold me back. No matter what, I refused to allow the cruel words of those who had no faith in me keep me away from where I needed to go.

I often look back over the last couple of years, and I can't help but smile at my progress. I've failed, several times. The ideas that I've had, and plans that I've set forth, haven't always led to the correct destination; but through every set back, I haven't remained the same. Go out. Do things that you've never done. Fail a couple of times. And from each failure that you run into, you will soon see that you haven't failed at all, but that you've only taken a step closer to your success.

My prayer for you 11:11 readers, is that you will no longer be afraid to stumble. You will walk bravely across unfamiliar territory and make a believer out of yourself! Proving others wrong is not always the goal, many times, its proving ourselves wrong.

Don't be afraid to fail.
I promise, you'll be better for it.