The Single Season

 Like many, I have experienced the single season. The single season, consists of a season where you just can't "get it right" in the relationship department. After many attempts (and I do mean many), you can't help but feel that you may have a sign permanently nailed to your forehead reading "undateable". But I can promise you this..that sign isn't real. I promise that you don't have a sign on your forehead, and that you are worthy enough to one day be in a successful, fulfilling relationship. I know how frustrating this season can be, but understand that just like all seasons, you HAVE to learn a couple of things before being promoted to the next. 

When I was younger, my goal was to be married by the time I was 19 (thank God, only He knows best). Every year after turning 19, I beat myself up over not being married. Even after one or two serious relationships, I found myself always frustrated with the fact that I was always single. I wanted to go on dates, and have long conversations with the opposite sex. I wanted to be reminded how pretty I was on a daily basis, just like many of my friends were...

but that didn't happen.

In my 26th year, I learned a few things while being single, and to be honest, these lessons made the single season worth every moment. 

Lesson 1:

Just because you don't have a particular person always reminding you how attractive you are, doesn't mean you aren't.

I always found myself struggling with finding myself attractive. Unlike most of my peers, I didn't have a boyfriend telling me how gorgeous I was, so I had to learn to do it myself. I had to learn to wake up every morning and find something new to love about myself, and remind myself that this was something to love. Not only by myself, but by many. 

Lesson 2:

Being single is NOT a life sentence. 

I know how long this season can feel. I know how it feels to always think "eventually, my appointed one will come along....". And guess what? Eventually, they will. Right now you are in hiding. God has put you aside to work on you before He brings forth your appointed one. This step is the most important one to understand in the single season. Just because you don't have people flocking to you left and right, doesn't mean that you will forever be single. Stop speaking that over your life too. God not only wants us to trust Him in what He's doing in our lives, but He still wants us to speak life over our lives as well. This season will end, and you will be better because of it.

Lesson 3:

Settling is NEVER an option.

Stop. I repeat. Stop settling. No matter what the world tells you to do, sometimes you have to become deaf to its advice. According to many, I remained in the single season, because I refused to settle. After years of listening to that advice, I finally took it. It was the worst decision ever made in my life. I had always said that I didn't want to have sex before marriage, and yet the world had advised me that I would have to, in order to end this single season. They said that I would have to be ok with being cheated on, and even date those that I just didn't find attractive in order for this season to come to an end. After taking the advice of the world, the only thing that came to an end was me. I lost who  I was completely, trying to settle for less than what God had in store for me. Just because the world tells you that you have to settle to be happy, doesn't mean that you do. Remember this:

"When we settle, we are telling God we are just not patient enough for what He has in store for us."

Lesson 4:

It's ok to be alone.

I have always hated being alone. My brother and I are 14 months apart, so I like to think that I was born to not be alone. After moving away for the first time when I was 24, I spent many nights crying because I was alone. I was in a new city with no dating prospects or even familiar faces, and I was miserable because of it. I found the constant reminder of "enjoy this time" from my cousins. They have been together since college, and even after starting a family, they both gave me the constant speech of pacing myself, and not being in a rush to not be alone. It took time for me to finally enjoy this time of being alone. The moment I finally realized what being alone was, I regretted ever fearing it. This time was all about me getting to know myself, and enjoying my own company. I always looked at being in a relationship as a cure for being alone...when in reality, its only a diversion. 

Lesson 5:

It's ok to want to be in love.

The most amazing thing happens when you meet the one that is meant for you. You fall in love.  I just wanted to be in love, and for most part, I just wanted someone to love me. And to be honest, I was sick and tired of everyone telling me that I was wrong for wanting to feel this way. I wasn't wrong, I was human. From birth, babies cry; sometimes wanting to be fed, changed, and many times just wanting to be held. I wasn't some pathetic hopeless romantic; I was human. It was ok for me to want to have someone to conquer the world with me. It was ok for me to want someone by my side when I did the impossible. And it was even ok for me to want someone to be my shoulder to cry on when life kicked me down. 

We have got to stop telling ourselves that this single season is a punishment, or life sentence. Instead, we have to learn from this season, and grow because of it. 

My dear singles, this isn't your destination, just a visiting place for you. Keep going. 

I had to fail

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome." -unknown

I remember the summer after my freshman year in college. After a rough first year of adjusting to college, I made the decision to quit school. It just wasn't for me, and I was tired of wasting my time. Before going to my mother with my decision, I went to my older cousin. At this time, he had started his second year of teaching and coaching football at our high school; and I figured that he would understand the struggle of not wanting to return back to this "hell hole" named college. 

"I don't think I want to go back.", I said. 

His face showed no expression, and his tone showed no emotion, when he asked "Why?".  For about  15 minutes, I went on and on about how hard the classes were, how I felt so out of place, and how after struggling through the first year, I refused to fail at something everyone expected me to do so well at. I told him that college was just not the place for me. I was a free spirit. 

Free spirits like myself didn't belong in a cage like college, but belonged floating around the world discovering their purpose. 

Still with no emotion, and almost "Bill Cosby" like, he told me how full of crap I was. He refused to entertain the thought that me being a "free spirit" was the only thing that was going to stop me from getting my degree. He knew, just as much as I knew, that I was afraid to fail. This conversation between the two of us went on for hours on end, and he ended it with;

"You know, if you're scared to fail, you'll never succeed."

What in the heck was that supposed to mean? After quitting school, I worked here and there, never really feeling fulfilled by anything; and throughout the years, he would remind me through conversations, how I would never succeed, being afraid to fail. I didn't get it. I mean, I heard of many prerequisites for success; but I couldn't recall hearing that failure was one of them. 

After two years of working non stop at jobs that led to only dead ends of self discovery, I was left unemployed for the first time in about five years. I remember calling my mom upset, asking "What am I going to do?!?!". The first question my mother asked was, "Have you registered for your classes?". So that is what I did. The next day, I returned back to the "hell hole" I once feared, and registered for classes. For one year, I did not work. ANYWHERE. I applied for places, but did not get 1 interview in an entire year!

I had failed. Although, I was now back in school and doing exceptionally well; I was left with no vehicle and no money (other than the couple of dollars I earned writing papers for my lazy classmates). Often times, I would hear how lazy I was during this time from family members, and oddly during this time, my cousin was often present saying "This is all apart of the process...keep going."  How backwards was this?!? I just wanted to work, earn money, and find my purpose... how was being in school getting me any closer to my success?

A year after I returned to school, and even made up two school years, in one (yes, I was about that business) I got a job at a local bank, where I stayed at for 2 years. Throughout that time, I often found myself wanting more and wanting to know what else was out there?  I went to some and expressed how I wanted to move away from home. I mean, after being in the same place for the last 23 years, I think I deserved to move away and see what else the world had to offer. But I would constantly hear "You're crazy! Why do you want to move?"

"What happens if you move away and fail?"

and I even heard the comebacks of:

"You're going to fail."

and

"When you fail, I'm going to remind you how you should have listened to me!".

How discouraging is that?!? But eventually, I braved up. I took the advice of my cousin, and moved three hours away. Thankfully, I accepted a job at another bank which located me to the very same city my cousin and his family had just moved to. With much excitement of the new change, I was sure I had hit my destination of success. After living with my cousin and his family for 6 months, I signed the lease to my first apartment. Now, don't get me wrong. The experience in this city was not what I expected. I had high hopes of meeting and making new friends, finding a husband, and being able to "cheat" the idea of having to fail in order to succeed; but that's not how it worked out. I made no new friends outside of the few from work,  the dating pool did not have a high selection of candidates, and I often considered myself a failure when it came to where I was in life.

But that's exactly what I needed.
After spending well over a year in this city, I accepted a position in a city only 2 hours away from home...
And this is where it hit me:
I was no longer allowing the fear of failure to hold me back. No matter what, I refused to allow the cruel words of those who had no faith in me keep me away from where I needed to go.

I often look back over the last couple of years, and I can't help but smile at my progress. I've failed, several times. The ideas that I've had, and plans that I've set forth, haven't always led to the correct destination; but through every set back, I haven't remained the same. Go out. Do things that you've never done. Fail a couple of times. And from each failure that you run into, you will soon see that you haven't failed at all, but that you've only taken a step closer to your success.

My prayer for you 11:11 readers, is that you will no longer be afraid to stumble. You will walk bravely across unfamiliar territory and make a believer out of yourself! Proving others wrong is not always the goal, many times, its proving ourselves wrong.

Don't be afraid to fail.
I promise, you'll be better for it. 

Dear Son,

Dear Son,

Although you're far from present, you're often thought about. As your mother, I know that I'm  obligated to protect you from many things; but unfortunately, some things not even I or your father can keep you away from. This day and age for men like yourself is dangerous. Unfortunately, no matter how many degrees you get, how loved you are, and how valuable you are to the world, some people will forever look at you as a mere target. To many ignorant people, you will be considered dangerous, a threat, and deserving of mistreatment just based on the color of your skin.

Dear Son,

Love and respect them regardless. Don't form any opinion on any race, sex, religion based on bad experiences. Everyone is not the same. 

My prayer for you love, is that you understand that despite of what the world says you are, you're worth so much more. I know that you'll make mistakes, and I know that your father and I will mistakenly TRY to define you by your mistakes...BUT DON'T YOU DARE LET US! Or anyone else for that matter. It's so easy to judge others mistakes, when we have by God's grace and mercy been able to avoid making them. But my King, these mistakes are only stepping stones to get you closer to the path God has prepared for you. Let Him continue to work not only IN you, but through you.

Dear Son,

You will meet a girl one day, and I'm sorry to say this, but I will be jealous of not just her...but of them all! Forgive me. Your dad and I will have talks for hours about me being too overprotective of you, but my love...it's not just you that I'm overprotective of... it's also your heart. Treat not just your wife, like a queen; but EVERY woman you encounter. Pray for her, dear son. Love her. Lead her. Respect her. Yes, I know, praying for her may not be the most popular, but you HAVE to understand, that being a leader at times requires you to do whats not considered popular at all times. 

Dear Son,

Like I said before, I will be jealous of her. But, I will NOT tolerate you ever disrespecting her. No, I'm not taking her side.

But I do remember the many tears I shed over men who didn't treat or love me correctly. I can still feel the heartbreak from my first relationship, and even the embarrassment of staying around men who were just no good for me. Son, those tears are real. Don't take them lightly. I know that you hate seeing me cry (even though I know by now, you've learned I'm a cry baby), so learn to hate seeing her cry too..

and do your best to not make her. 

Dear Son,

Read books. Play Sports. Travel. Have Fun. 

I know that your dad is constantly having talks with you, leading you to your manhood, but my King, understand that he not only wants you to be a man, he hates to see you grow up. I'll do my best to remind him that you're just a child..

but

Dear Son,

although you are just a child, you are a child that will grow into a black man; and making sure that you grow into that role properly and successfully, your dad will not rest until that is done. We will mention names like, Emmett Till, Trayvon Martin, and Mike Brown; and the older you get, and the more you hear these stories about these black men you will understand your dad more.  He's not meaning to be too hard on you, he just loves you; and yes I love you too, but I just don't think I can love you quite like he does. Its different my King. A dad's love is so strong, while at times a mom's love can be soft. You'll understand more when you have your first son, and even your first daughter. 

Dear Son,

You are so worthy. God says so. Follow Him, and when you're terrified to come to us, go to Him. You will never understand just how much He loves you, until you go to Him needing EVERYTHING, while having NOTHING to offer...

and yet, He loves you just the same. 

Pray, dear son. 

Keep your focus on Him, and I promise you that He will lead you to places you could never imagine your feet would touch. 

He is God, and He's so real!

Trust me. 

Dear Son, 

The world will forever try to label you, and I know how frustrating this may be. Keep a heart of God, forgiveness like Him too, and I guarantee that the weapons will be formed, but they just won't prosper. 

You are an heir to the throne. You are not just a black king...but a king!

remember that, dear son.

To "be" or "not to be" CONVICTED.

Conviction [kuh n-vik-shuh n]

"The act of convicting; a declaration that a person is guilty of an offense. "

When was the last time you were convicted of something? I'm not talking about being taken to jail or anything because of mistakes; but more so spiritually convicted? This is a word that was heard often in church, while I was growing up, but until recently, I never quite understood what conviction truly was. Recently, my best friend and I met for lunch at my favorite place (IHOP!! Yuum) and while he was eating, and I was preparing to eat, I asked him, "Is conviction a punishment, or blessing?". The look that came across this place as he was preparing to put his fork of food in his mouth, he asked "What kind of question is that?".

To be honest, I don't know where that question came from. I can't even recall what caused me to bring this up for discussion while I was eating my New York Cheesecake pancakes---but I asked. And from that one question, well after my pancakes were gone, and our glasses of Dr.Pepper had been refilled at least more than 6 times; we were led into an hour long discussion about what conviction really is and is it truly a punishment or blessing.

Well after our hour long discussion that was mixed with laughs, tears (of course from me) and different opinions, we parted ways. After this conversation, my best friend left defining his conviction, while I was traveling three and a half hours away to get away  from mine. Yes, I was running from the conviction that I was facing. 

For several months, I had been in the season of conviction , and as upset as I found myself frustrated with the season, I couldn't help but still see conviction as a blessing. 

Yes...I saw my conviction as a blessing. 

I know that may sound crazy, especially to those who have been convicted by God before, but let me explain. During this time, my cup was empty. I couldn't make it through a good nights sleep, without being awaken at 3:43AM for about a month; and yet as much as I was running from this conviction, I was still holding on to the fact that I would appreciate it. For those who have never been convicted of anything, let me explain exactly what it feels like--or at least what my experience felt like. 

While I was sleeping, God would wake me up just to talk, and as much as I would try to walk around my house or even rock myself back to sleep, I would still find myself wide awake during a time where even the rest of the world was sleeping. I would be talking about something, and trying my hardest to explain what it was that I wanted to do, and I would find myself speaking exactly what it was that God wanted me to do. Not only was I a sleepy, stuttering person for a while, but I was confused. I felt guilty because I knew exactly where God was leading me, and I knew that He was not agreeing with the decisions I decided to take to avoid His path; and yet, like clockwork---

I would wake up at 3:43AM, stutter my way through conversations in confusion of who's words I was really speaking, and find myself even more confused than the day before. Almost like God was saying "Well...we're going to try this again today.."

My dears, this is where conviction is such a blessing. Everyday, although we have decided to go our own ways, God still tries again. He sees us walking on the wrong path, and yet, He always finds a way to put us right back on track; even if that means He has to convict us!  I was running like heck trying to get away from Gods' conviction. I wanted to continue to live my life the way I had chosen, and ignore what He has been telling me. Occasionally, I still find myself smiling at the blessing that Gods' conviction was wrapped in.

As much as I was trying to run away from it, its so amazing what came from it!

Who's going to save me from being single?

If you're apart of the elite group of "singles" please continue to read. If by chance you find yourself committed to someone, and fear ever entering back into singlehood, you may want to continue reading too.

Well, as another year ends, a birthday has passed, and even several holidays where I promised myself I would be in a relationship by now have come and gone. The chilly weather has arrived, and to be honest, the only thing keeping me warm now a days is a fleece jacket and knee high boots I bought myself last Christmas. Yes. The single life. Not that being completely dateless for all major holidays is enough of a reminder that I'm in my late 20s and still single, I have constant reminder of this singlehood by the constant questions of  "Oh, when are you getting married?", "Do you plan on getting married soon? You're getting old." and my favorite question of them all, "When are you going to have a wedding to invite us to?". Yes. I know. I'm always the bridesmaid, and never the bride...do I really need anymore reminders though?

 

If getting in a relationship was as easy as many "non singles" made it to be, I do believe that instead of purchasing knee high boots for myself last Christmas, they would have been a gift from "him" instead of from "yours truly.". I've spent most of my life hating and despising the single life. I remember how horrible I made my 25th birthday, consumed and drowning in the self pity of my own despair. All because, unlike many of my friends, I saw another birthday ...

single!

After getting through that, I promised myself that I would never have another birthday like that again. So what did I do?

Did I meet someone and fall in love, and was saved from this  horrible single life?

Was my biggest prayer answered, and was a handsome, Christian man dropped from the sky right into my living room?

No.

I just found myself loving to be single.

I know, how cliché' is that? But I did! I came to realize that it was time for me to "Ring the Alarm!", tell every man he was "Irreplaceable", I came to realize, I needed someone who saw me as "Flawless"

(Yes. these are all Beyoncé references)

but you get the point.

The question that I began to ask myself was simple; why is being in a relationship so important? Other than having dates for holidays that were meant to be spent with someone, I realized I was just looking for someone to save me. Yes, save me from living single. I wanted to have someone that could save me from those days where life has kicked me down to only kick me down again. I craved a relationship, because like many, I wanted to date, travel, and have fun with someone. But just like any "ah-ha" moment, it hit me.

I was looking for a relationship to save me, when God created me to save myself.

I could and have very well, attended holiday dinners/functions dateless; I've learned to get in the boxing ring with "life" and fight...and even win! I've traveled and seen new places (well, a few places) alone or with my best friend.  

My dear, living single doesn't mean that you have to hate this season, and it definitely doesn't mean that you have to wait for someone to save you from the world. You were created to be whole alone, just not to remain alone. Enjoy this season singles. Just think..

who can save you better, than you can save yourself?

I borrowed him from her...

Just like many singles, I spent my nights praying for my "appointed one"; so needless to say, I was quite pleased when I met him. He wasn't EVERYTHING on my list, but he was enough. He was charming, kind, Christian, funny, and had a heart of gold. I just knew for sure he was mine. I remember just like before getting on my knees nightly praying, but this time around instead of begging God to send my "appointed one", I was thanking Him for doing so.

 

I just knew after meeting him and even talking about marriage, he was the one; which is why I was so shocked when he turned out not to be. Nothing changed. Even after our breakup he was still charming, kind, Christian, funny, and had a heart of gold; but that just wasn't enough anymore. One day we agreed that it was best to part ways; I mean, if you love something enough let it go, and if its truly yours it'll come back, right? Well, he didn't come back, and after many sad and lonely nights, I grew to be thankful that he didn't. You see, he was never mine...I just borrowed him. No, this wasn't some secret affair, or any odd threesome. This was special. He was special. Now, knowing all of this, I figured that I would struggle with returning him to be free, but this time around it was quite simple.

 

 He was never meant to be mine; only a loner. I found the strength to finally find the strength, the acceptance, to thank God for this loner; because he was everything that I needed. He just wasn't mine to have. He was hers. He did his own thing, and I did mine. He dated a few, and so have I. He's engaged, and well...I'm still praying for my "appointed one"; and that's ok. This loner, was something special. You see, he was charming, kind, Christian, funny, and had a heart of gold...only difference is, he wasn't mine to have, he was hers.

Let your groom clean your dress

One of the most exciting purchases for a woman's wedding, is the purchase of her wedding dress. We plan that special day with our closest friends and parents, and we go around the world searching for the wedding dress of our dreams. It must look a certain way, fit in a special way, and attract the attention and approval of onlookers and most importantly; that special man waiting at the end of the aisle for us. My wedding dress, like all, was purchased in advance to the wedding date. Now, I know most would think that the bulk of the stress would be removed once this dress was purchased, but for myself, this is where the stress began. I found myself putting on this dress daily, in excitement for the BIG DAY! Each day I put this dress on, I noticed this dress that was purchased for me began to become to turn from a bright white to a dirty beige. I didn't think much of the change of color my wedding dress had taken on; after a while I had forgotten that what was once a bright beautiful wedding dress, had lost its pureness. So the big day arrived, and there I stood in front of my mirror with my hair and makeup done so beautifully. I had my something old, my something new, but found that there was no need for anything borrowed or anything blue... I mean, what was once my beautiful, pure white wedding dress appeared to be borrowed, and had grabbed on to many different colors, including blue. "They wont notice." I thought, "I'll just walk out there full of confidence, not letting anyone know that this dress which was purchased with sweat and blood had somehow gotten dirty". I reassured myself that no one would notice, and grabbed my bouquet of flowers and prepared to walk down the aisle to meet my groom. "He'll love me regardless, despite of how dirty I appear..." I said, as I prepared to enter the sanctuary. The doors opened, the guests stood, and "Here Comes the Bride" played on the organ. "I got this! No one will even notice how dirty the dress is!" I whispered to myself. I took one step and then another, and with each step taken, the whispers and comments hit were hit my ears like knives! "Look at how filthy that dress is!" one visitor exclaimed; while another said "He'd be a fool to marry her looking like that!". Somehow, through all the comments I made it to the alter, where He stood. My veil was no longer just hiding my beauty from Him, but my shame and embarrassment. "I'm sorry" I whispered. My head still down in shame, and He lifted my veil. "For what?" He asked as he looked at my tear stricken face. "I'm dirty, don't you see? I wanted to be beautiful for you. But I wanted to make sure that the guests would think I was just as beautiful. I know this dress was bought with blood, sweat, and tears, but now I've made it worthless!". "Worthless?" He asked. How many times have gone out into the world, and gotten your wedding dress dirty? I'm sure its happened more times than you can remember. We are all walking around ashamed and embarrassed of the stains that we've managed to get that we find ourselves running from God, instead of to Him. Many stains are embedded deeper than we would ever think could be removed, but thankfully we serve such a God, a groom even, that loves us despite of the stains, the falls, the failures, the hiccups. He doesn't care what others say, He doesn't care what we've done, He just wants to marry us so He can clean us! Many times, we find ourselves so consumed with the thoughts and hurry of getting married, but we often find ourselves neglecting the groom of the church. Christ! I remember such a time, when I went to Him with my dirty, stained dress; I didn't even know where to begin to apologize for ruining what was purchased with His only Son's blood, sweat, and tears! So I didn't. I continued to go into the world, and gain even more stains, and dirt before what was once a pure white wedding dress, appeared to be nothing but an old wash rag. "You don't get it, do you? The wedding dress can be repaired and cleaned, but you my love, can't be too ashamed to come to me! The blood, the sweat, and tears were used to purchase you...BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!" Let your groom, clean your dress ladies!

Oh How Things Have Changed...

Hello World! I figured that it would be a great time to post some things about myself that is difficult to see through my posts. I haven't been posting as often as I would like, due to me relocating and adjusting to new position with work, getting into a relationship and getting out, ecetra, ecetra. So Im going to give you all 10 Tchernavia Facts. Like to hear them, here they go: Fact 1: I have high hopes on being a youth minister one day! Really, I do. Im in the process of letting God finish working on me before I take that step. Fact 2: My first name is pronounced Cher-nay-via-- German Turkish. Fact 3: I have been writing since I was 9, and personally feel that God speaks to me through writing sometimes. Fact 4: I decided to start "11:11" because I was so interested in starting a YouTube Channel, but then I allowed God to speak to me and I feel that this is where He wanted me to start before going forward with a Youtube Channel, and writing a book. Fact 5: I've been in love...but never correctly. Fact 6: Im ever bit of a Cancer. Im emotional, Im loving, Im passionate. Ever bit of a Cancer. Fact 7: I want the smallest wedding. I want 50 people in all to be present at my wedding. I personally believe that my union is an intimate moment that should be seen by those very close...so...no next door neighhbors kids will be present. lol Fact 8: I simply want to smile..as always Fact 9: If I knew then what I know now about being single, my younger years wouldve been alot more enjoyable as well as alot funner. Fact 10: I have no regrets, I wish I would have done things differently at times, but I firmly believe that everything happens for our better good. Now,, that I've given you all a little insight to who I am, I want to know about you! Leave a comment telling me your top 5 facts, and where you're from. Lets make 11:11 successful!

Cheers To The Men I loved

Ok. Yes. I stand before you, a hopeless romantic. I too have once, twice, well a few times have been bitten by the love bug. I still remember my first crush. He was brilliant. And then my second crush, well, he was a looker! Then my third.....
Well, you get the point. I've loved many, and each so differently.

For each man that I've loved, they've offered so much to me. Although, many loved me incorrectly, they all taught me things that were very valuable. The first crush taught me that although we are taught "persistence will get you far", infatuation gets you no where. One crush taught me, that although many times we as women are at times more obsessed with our looks, being smart and classy will not only catch the attention of others, but will help KEEP it. A one year relationship taught me that the best relationship is not that of people, but our relationship with God.

Now, I know what you're thinking; if all these lessons had been taught from these men, why am I not still with them . That's easy. Each crush, relationship, friendship, etc from these men, served their purpose. I did not leave out of any of these relationships without learning something amazing. I often find myself bragging about how influential these men are  to me. I've been hurt by many, loved incorrectly by some, and left numb by few; but I still take my hat to them all.

For the many who have hurt me, I've been taught about strength.
For the ones who loved me incorrectly, they taught me about standards.
For the ones who left numb, taught me how to pray even harder.

You see, each man has taught me something. No matter the outcome of our relationship.

So Cheers to them....to the men I loved.

Sitting still in the storm.

As a child during thunderstorms, my mother would instruct my brother and I to sit still and be quiet, because this was the time God was thinking. Granted, as an adult, I believe that my mother was just telling us that to get her own time of peace and quiet; but we listened. We remained quiet, and still. We didn't run for shelter in the couch pillows, hide in the closets to avoid the storm, and we didn't even cry in fear; because we understood that just like we needed the sun for "playtime", God needed the rain for peace and thinking time.

What if we tackled all storms in that way? Instead of running for refuge during our difficult times, how about trying to sit still and overcome it? Now, I'm not suggesting that you have a tea party outside while a tornado zooms your way, but I am suggesting that running away is not always the solution.

I moved to Florence, AL a year and 4 months ago, with no friends and just 3 cousins for support. Day 1 I called home and cried, while having to listen to the "I told you so's" of those who didn't support my decision to move anyways. This cycle repeated throughout my time here in Florence. I just couldn't understand how me being faithful to what God had asked me to do, would lead me to losing friends, relationships, and comfort, to gain in my eyes, nothing. I often found myself frustrated and even asking God on many occasions "Why would you do this? I've lost more than I've gained! Why?!", and constantly hearing "Just trust me and know that I am God.".

Now, I thought about moving back home daily. The initial plan was to put my 6months in with the company I was working for, and transfer home; but God directed me to a different path. 6 months in, I signed my lease to my first apartment after living with my cousins since arriving in Florence. 

Let me be honest, I thought me obeying God by moving to Florence and trusting Him was going to lead me to every blessing I had been praying for. In my eyes, Florence held the place where I would find my spouse, my happiness, and my testimony. I imagined coming home and delivering my testimony of moving hours away to find my Boaz, and giving people hope in knowing that God blesses obedience. Well..... It didn't quite work that way.

Although I casually dated people from the surrounding cities, they were in no way my Boaz. I often found myself frustrated with God for being misleading to get me to Florece, but eventually I remembered that God DOES rewards obedience, just not on our time schedule. 

What I found in Florence while sitting still during my many storms were so much bigger than my initial plans. 

For the first time in my life, I lived alone. I worshipped alone. I made it alone! The storm I sat through was the storm of loneliness; which to me, was the  equivalent to Hurricane Katrina. I feared being alone, and that is exactly the storm I found myself in.

During that storm, I found myself. I discovered my purpose. I prayed more than ever! And I did this all, by not running from the storm.

At one point, I was willing to run; willing to throw in the towel and give up, but God remained perfect in my weakness. No matter how much I prayed for distractions to deter me from His plans for me, he wouldn't deliver. His love is just that amazing!. He refused to "bless me with a curse". 

Just think, I would have never gotten to this point had I not sat still during the storm.

What storm are you running from right now? What are you hiding from in fear of facing it? It could be living single, living unhappily married, or just living and not enjoying life. Today, I challenge you to stop running and sit during the storm. Trust God, and trust yourself. You'll get there!

Discover it. Protect It.

Many times, I catch myself watching my little cousins as they grow. I remember my little cousin Orlando saying from as early as the age of 5 that he was going to be an engineer. He fascinated me with his goal; and somewhat made me chuckle at how easy it seemed to him to get there, and how I knew otherwise.

 

The older I've grown, the more I have found myself seeking my purpose. What is the real reason we are here? What exactly is it that we were made to do?

 

At 25, I like to think that I have finally discovered my purpose; and it starts with this blog. Although, I planned to do so many other things, and go into so many different directions, God placed me right back here. I remember when I was in the fifth grade, I said "Im going to be a psychologist. I want to help others!", and hearing the negative opinions from that. Then, I wanted to be an English teacher, and was told that wasn't the best idea either. Needless to say, in my 25 years of living, I have been falling in and out of love with jobs, careers, and my purpose because of the opinions of others.

 

How many of you are doing that right now? Letting the world determine where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing based solely on their opinions? From the day we were born, to now, God has instilled a purpose in us all, and we only have two jobs when it comes to that purpose:

 

Discover it

Protect it

 

Who would have known that at 9, I had discovered my purpose in helping others? At 9, I had done something that many people are still trying to figure out, but I didn't protect it. Like many, I allowed the world to steal what God had given to me.

Many of us walk around aimlessly trying to figure out why God didn't bless us with

our divine purpose...

But truth is, we have to come to grips that He did!

We all were given our special purpose!

Some may appear to be bigger than others, but we ALL have a purpose.

 

 

So right now...

Start with discovering it

then do all you can do to protect.

don't let others steal what God has blessed you with.

Too Busy Searching for Superman.

I too have made the mistake. You know, the mistake of falling for the obvious, instead of being patient enough for what's not. The older we get, the more we realize what qualities we all are truly looking for our potential mate.

 

No Kids. Check.

College Degree. Check

Nice Smile. Check

Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

Throughout our time of being single,  that checklist is constantly carried around, just to see who may meet our standards. But what is done when we meet someone , that doesn't quite fit our checklist...just yet? I often see many people making the mistakes of searching for "Superman". Now, Im not saying that I haven't searched for him either, but I like to think I've finally seen Superman, for who he truly is.

 

To most women, he's everything on that checklist. No kids, college degree, nice smile, etc...So in the meantime of yearning for Superman, we ignore those who aren't quite there yet. The reason many of us are single is not because there are no good men left. It's not that they're all married off, or married to white women. It's because we find ourselves ignoring them for the qualities they lack.

Where am I going with this?

Well...

Let me explain.

 

Instantly, when we meet a man, that checklist is pulled from our purse with a pen in hand, and we scroll down that list. The moment he doesn't posses that particular quality, we instantly throw him into the pile of "not good enough". I'm not saying that what is on that list isn't essential to have a growing relationship, but I am saying that some things aren't as important as we think. Don't get me wrong..Dont Settle. No man or relationship is worth that. But in finding Superman, you may see that some qualities aren't that damn important.

 

So what if he doesn't make as much as you, or can't instantly support you? If support is all that you're looking for, you're searching for the right man...Superman. He's there to save you and leave you. Personally for me, I don't need saving...I need investing.

Im not looking for someone that can save me from my own struggles; I'm searching for someone who is willing to invest support, love, and patience throughout the process.

 

Lets be honest with ourselves.

Some of us are still single not because no good men exist,

It's because we're too busy chasing Superman.

 

But we often forget...
Before he was Superman

He was Clark Kent.

I can live with him..But I can't live without her....

He was handsome, charming, and intelligent. It seemed to the naked eye that he was almost too good to be true, but he wasn't. He was a liar, cheat, and heartless person who had grown accustomed to hiding behind his looks. Regardless of the horrible qualities he possessed, I had fallen for him. At first he was my weakness. I mean, he was everything many said I would never have; but overtime he became my security blanket. He became something that needed to be taken away and buried as time grew on, but I continued to clench onto him. Although those close knew he was no good, I couldn't leave; because to me it wasn't that bad! I mean, although he was a liar, cheat and heartless person; he was someone I could live with.

 

Then, there was her. She too had amazing qualities. She was beautiful, charismatic, and smart. Her aura was contagious; lighting up even the darkest night. She also possessed the power to where she could turn even the brightest day into darkness. At time, she appeared judgmental, but humble enough to be understanding. When described by many; the words often used were "unique", "funny" and "sweet". To me, she was rare and I wanted to have her.

 

Now, yes....

I was with him while I was with her, but never at the same time. He hated how carefree she was, and she hated his heart. I just couldn't let either go, because despite his ways, I knew I could live with him, but overtime, I realized I couldn't live without her.

 

Granted, he shouldn't have to share me. Finally, after months of asking, even begging him to commit seriously to our monogamous relationship; who was I to ask him to turn our duo into a threesome? He wasn't up for sharing and neither was I---until her. She had become everything to me. She was full of life, she laughed at every opportunity, and had such a love for God that made those who didn't know Him crave His love.

 

She knew she was special to me; but overtime she grown tired of being neglected and pushed to the side. I had placed him over her, and sadly I could see in her eyes at night as she cried herself to sleep (which had become her nightly routine) that she had grown tired. She had become numb. I knew soon, despite my pleading, my crying, or promises to change, that she would eventually leave. I just couldn't fathom the thought of that happening, because I knew I could live with him, but I couldn't live without her. She had become important to me, but I had grown to love him more than I loved her.

 

Instead of adopting her ways after spending so much time with her, I began to adopt his. My heart had become less of what it once was, and even my love for God had decreased to his level. I still attended church, but the love of God just wasn't like hers was. It became easy to lie with him, because I had began to mirror him. She too had even began to annoy me with her amazing spirit, and her ability to laugh at anything. Even her love for God had become something I couldn't understand. But him, well.... I could live with him, and even at this time, I saw that I could live without her.

 

Just like expected, she left. And my once chaotic threesome, had returned back to my complacent duo. I didn't love him. He didn't love me. But we were using each other as each owns security blanket. I had forgotten her, but she hadn't quite forgotten me. Some days, she would attempt to get in contact with me to only be turned away, to avoid what once was our chaotic relationship.

 

One day, after 5 years of what had become our complacent relationship, I ended things with him .It didn't seem worth it anymore. I too had grown numb to his mean and hateful words, and I just couldn't deal anymore. Soon after, I began to search for her, to possibly rekindle our relationship; to prove to her that I had changed, but she was nowhere to be found.

 

I had settled, and in the process of settling, I had lost her. I lost her for someone I could just live with, but I didn't quite understand that I couldn't live without her.

 

Today, she and I have rekindled our relationship. Her laugh has become mine. Her thoughts are now the same as mine. And her love for God now was mine.

 

You see, in losing her, I lost me. Although I could live with him, I now see, I could no longer live without her.

I wanted that wedding dress...

Proverbs 8:22

"He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and favor from the Lord"

"I have to find my wedding dress!" I blurted out while in David's Bridal in Jacksonville, FL. Other than the ring, that's the next BIG thing to a woman after her engagement. We hurry to get our nails done to take those pictures for facebook and instagram; with our perfect manicure displaying our ring, and then hurry to gather our friends together to help on our attempt to find the perfect wedding dress. You see, this dress will be the last thing we wear in our "old" lives, and the first piece of clothing that follows us into our "married" lives. It has to be perfect; it has to fit just right. The color can't be off (despite how many arguments we have on wearing white) and losing those last 10lbs will always help avoid the dress from appearing too tight. 

Yes, I needed to find the perfect dress! I needed to find the one that was created just for me!! But only one thing was missing.... well maybe a few. 

I didn't have the engagement ring, I didn't have the proposal, and hell, I didn't even have the man. For me, searching for the perfect wedding dress was my way in coming into agreement with God. I had to prove to Him that I believed that my "appointed one" does exist, despite my own doubts. This dress was my way in making a believer out of myself, because after the last couple of men I had dated, I had reached the point of not believing. Now, I know, 24 is a little too young to be panicking about not being married or having any potential candidates; but after watching several colleagues and friends make that merry stroll down the aisle to meet their "appointed one", I found myself timing my pace according to theirs.

I often struggled with praying for that potential mate. I would find myself frustrated at the voice of God, as He replied back, "No, not now." So then I would wait; about a month or two before putting myself back out there again, to only meet a man who was "good enough", to only be back on my knees praying that same "Lord, this man is for me...." prayer, and finding myself frustrated yet again at His voice replying "No, not now! Not this one!".

I remember once when I was 23, having this dream that caused me to wake up in tears, because for once, this dream was far better than reality.
I sat in this white chair while my grandmother smiled from across the room as my mother brushed my hair. "Now Tchernavia, you're his good thing, don't you forget that!" my grandmother said with a smile still plastered to her face. As I looked down, I noticed I was dressed in all white. Not just a normal white, but a bright white that could blind even the onlookers from outside of the venue we were in. Confused as to what was going on and where I was, my mother helped place the veil on my head and covered my face.
VEIL?!?!
I found myself even more confused, so I asked "Who am I marrying?". Immediately, the smile that was once plastered onto my grandmothers face was removed with a frown as she replied "Tchernavia! Don't you start this today! You're going to walk down that aisle and you're going to be his good thing!"

I understood that. The job was simple. I was to walk down the aisle in this beautiful, bright white dress and accept the role of being his good thing; but the job was not what had me hesitant---it was the mystery man.
As my uncle wrapped his arm around mine,, he walked me down the aisle with glee, as he laughed and said "Now, I can walk you right out of here!". I remember looking at him replying "No, this is obviously what I've been appointed to do---
Be his good thing!"
We made it to the end of the aisle and there he was! The man who was mine! he was going to belong to me! With no competition, no pleading, just easily mine; and all I had to say was "I do" in agreeing to be his good thing!

But, before I did; I woke up.

Wait?!? What?!?! Life decided to wake me up int he middle of this perfect dream, and make me realize that the dress, the veil, and even the ring weren't real. Other than being highly disappointed by my perfect dream, l discovered my mission...
which simple:
Be. His. Good. Thing.

I still often worry about getting married. It does bother me a great deal. But overtime, I had to realize that goal was never rush the process in order to get the facebook/instagram pictures, the ring, or even finding the perfect wedding dress.
We are so much bigger than those mere things that we find ourselves attempting to settle for.

You see, along with all that....

My goal is to be his good thing!

...I Loved Him Enough...

Ending our 1 year relationship had to be one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. I mean, during a time where i didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be, his patience was everlasting; and most importantly, very needed. During our relationship, I stopped working and concentrated solely on school, which of course, left me with no money for my cell phone bill; and even at this time my car had met its maker which led me to being without a car. Taking on a full class load, with no money (other than the pocket change I was getting for typing papers for my classmates), he remained patient; because according to him, "I was worth it."

Yes, like any other couple we had our spats and disagreements, from our religious difference, to our views on current events; but after every heated argument, and after every spat he would say "I just want peace, and I want that with you...because you're worth it". Truth be told, I didn't feel worth it. I didn't understand how someone so patient and so calm could think the likes of me, was "worth it". From day one of our meeting, I knew he wasn't going to be like the other men I had dated. I remember sitting in church (during a time where I was still trying to find God and see Him for who He really was) and giving him the "side eye" during an attempt to check him out. I couldn't figure out how to approach this man, but yet I know I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't. 

Well, like several other attempts I failed. I couldn't mustard up the courage to approach him, even though, after being instructed by my aunt, both he and his mom had asked about me. Eventually both my aunt and his mom got together in an attempt to set us up. 

From our first awkward encounter at church, to our first date; he remained non judgmental as to where I was in my life. I was 2 years older than him, and yet he had surpassed me on many levels; which later benefited our relationship. A week after we "made it official", I turned 21, and after a week of asking myself, my aunt, and even his mom as to what I would want for my birthday; he showed up to my birthday dinner empty handed. Confused, and maybe a little upset (ok, downright pissed!) the dinner continued with a mixture of my family, friends, and my new boyfriend. Leaving to go to my aunt and uncles, he offered to drive; and there it sat! In the front passenger seat, a blue velvet teddy bear, with a card that he had written "I thank God everyday for you" beside it. Why all this? Well, according to him, I was worth it!

The demise of our relationship didn't follow a heated argument like the other times we had broken up; no this time, it followed an epiphany. For the first time in any of my relationships, this man treated me like a queen. He was respectful, my family adored him, and he bent over backwards to make me happy, no matter how difficult it was at the time; but he just wasn't the one. "Stay with him until you learn to love him properly" some instructed. "Hes a good guy!" they said. Well, that's very true. He was not only a good guy, he was caring, funny, calm, shy...

he was everything I wasn't. 

But I wasn't in love with that. Truth is, I wasn't in love with him...

but with the image. 

We had started discussing marriage, which for me was the PRIZE! We had even began to start covering as to how we were going to raise our kids (due to some religious differences), and after uncovering how incompatible we truly were, I made the promise to myself that I loved him more in leaving than staying in love with the relationship, because to me, he was worth it. 

He was worth the truth of knowing that I was not the person for him, and he was worth finding that person that was going to be all those things for him, as he was to me....

Because He Was Worth It.

Many times, we as women are blinded by the image of being married, or by finding our prince charming, that we often forget that sometimes we're both worth that happiness. I knew continuing to carry on this relationship wasn't fair to him. He deserved the same patience, happiness, and other qualities that he had given to me; returned back to him. 

I wasn't going to be that person to deprive him of such things, 

because I loved him enough to know....

He was worth it.