I can live with him..But I can't live without her....

He was handsome, charming, and intelligent. It seemed to the naked eye that he was almost too good to be true, but he wasn't. He was a liar, cheat, and heartless person who had grown accustomed to hiding behind his looks. Regardless of the horrible qualities he possessed, I had fallen for him. At first he was my weakness. I mean, he was everything many said I would never have; but overtime he became my security blanket. He became something that needed to be taken away and buried as time grew on, but I continued to clench onto him. Although those close knew he was no good, I couldn't leave; because to me it wasn't that bad! I mean, although he was a liar, cheat and heartless person; he was someone I could live with.

 

Then, there was her. She too had amazing qualities. She was beautiful, charismatic, and smart. Her aura was contagious; lighting up even the darkest night. She also possessed the power to where she could turn even the brightest day into darkness. At time, she appeared judgmental, but humble enough to be understanding. When described by many; the words often used were "unique", "funny" and "sweet". To me, she was rare and I wanted to have her.

 

Now, yes....

I was with him while I was with her, but never at the same time. He hated how carefree she was, and she hated his heart. I just couldn't let either go, because despite his ways, I knew I could live with him, but overtime, I realized I couldn't live without her.

 

Granted, he shouldn't have to share me. Finally, after months of asking, even begging him to commit seriously to our monogamous relationship; who was I to ask him to turn our duo into a threesome? He wasn't up for sharing and neither was I---until her. She had become everything to me. She was full of life, she laughed at every opportunity, and had such a love for God that made those who didn't know Him crave His love.

 

She knew she was special to me; but overtime she grown tired of being neglected and pushed to the side. I had placed him over her, and sadly I could see in her eyes at night as she cried herself to sleep (which had become her nightly routine) that she had grown tired. She had become numb. I knew soon, despite my pleading, my crying, or promises to change, that she would eventually leave. I just couldn't fathom the thought of that happening, because I knew I could live with him, but I couldn't live without her. She had become important to me, but I had grown to love him more than I loved her.

 

Instead of adopting her ways after spending so much time with her, I began to adopt his. My heart had become less of what it once was, and even my love for God had decreased to his level. I still attended church, but the love of God just wasn't like hers was. It became easy to lie with him, because I had began to mirror him. She too had even began to annoy me with her amazing spirit, and her ability to laugh at anything. Even her love for God had become something I couldn't understand. But him, well.... I could live with him, and even at this time, I saw that I could live without her.

 

Just like expected, she left. And my once chaotic threesome, had returned back to my complacent duo. I didn't love him. He didn't love me. But we were using each other as each owns security blanket. I had forgotten her, but she hadn't quite forgotten me. Some days, she would attempt to get in contact with me to only be turned away, to avoid what once was our chaotic relationship.

 

One day, after 5 years of what had become our complacent relationship, I ended things with him .It didn't seem worth it anymore. I too had grown numb to his mean and hateful words, and I just couldn't deal anymore. Soon after, I began to search for her, to possibly rekindle our relationship; to prove to her that I had changed, but she was nowhere to be found.

 

I had settled, and in the process of settling, I had lost her. I lost her for someone I could just live with, but I didn't quite understand that I couldn't live without her.

 

Today, she and I have rekindled our relationship. Her laugh has become mine. Her thoughts are now the same as mine. And her love for God now was mine.

 

You see, in losing her, I lost me. Although I could live with him, I now see, I could no longer live without her.