Saturday, October 17, 2015

Living In My Dark Tunnel

Imagine washing your hands and discovering a papercut on your finger.
Better yet, think about the time you experienced a migraine, and as you needed life to stop in motion for a while; it continued on fast and loud as usual.


"How does it feel?", she asked. 
"It feels like Im in a tunnel searching for a light that everyone else has.", I replied. 

To me, that was my definite answer to describing depression. I secretly have battled depression on and off for the past six years. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I had a name for it at 21. I just knew that some days I could mask my emotions alot better than others; while on other days I had to convince myself to get out of bed. 

I remember the days leading to my 25th birthday. I, along with coworkers planned to go out and have dinner to celebrate my arrival to a new age. I was so excited. I had just moved to this city about 6 months before and couldn't imagine a better way to turn 25 than getting dolled up and going out. Instead,the morning of my birthday, I sent a mass text canceling the events due to "not feeling well.". In my defense, I didn't feel well. Granted,my stomach wasn't hurting, and I wasn't experiencing a migraine; but I was 25 living alone, with no husband, boyfriend, or kids. That in itself made me ill. 

I answered my phone once. My grandmother called to sing her traditional "Happy Birthday" song,that I often looked forward to. This birthday, I couldn't even put a smile on my face when I heard her sing.   Immediately after she finished singing, I rushed off the phone in fear that she would be able to tell that something just wasn't right. Her call was the only one I answered. My cousin, even concerned stopped by my apartment to check on me. Covered up in a blanket, I met her at the door saying, "Im ok,I just don't feel well."

And that was that. 
Episodes like that, weren't uncommon; but I still didn't understand why I couldn't find my light for my dark tunnel. 

I wanted to experience life like everyone else, but I couldn't. Anytime, I tried mention how I felt, it was brushed off by titling it a bad day. Thats the thing...
my bad days were becoming more like bad months. 
I just still couldnt understand why this was MY life. 
I even went back to my lifestyle of praying, but that didn't even seem to help! 
On a daily basis, flawed and all I tell people about Christ and how amazing it is to know him; whether by having conversation with strangers, or by my social networks--
but it became a little difficult to believe what I was preaching the more and more dealt with this monster of depression.  

In April 2015, I hit rock bottom. This monster was going to win, and I just couldn't fight it anymore. I didn't want alot. I didn't crave a relationship with people anymore. I didn't care to make anyone laugh,  because I could no longer even make myself smile. Walking up and down my stairs became more difficult to do with my aching bones, and eating became nonexistent. I attempted to talk to family about it, but in return I would get the standard "You have so much to be grateful speech." as if I wasn't aware.  For me, thats what made the fall to rock bottom hit alot harder. 

I knew I had alot to be grateful for, but yet...I wasn't fufilled.
One night, as I was driving back home, I found myself passing by several 18 wheeler trucks. One after another, I passed them and thought to myself , "This is how I can end this...".

I pulled over on the side of the road with emergency lights on,and just sat. I remember screaming to God,"I believe in You! I know I wasn't created to feel like this! Fix me!! Im tired, and I don't know what to do..."

I knew if I didn't get help, this monster that I was battling would win. So, I sought counsel. 
After, sending a mass text to my close family and friends explaining what I was dealing with; talking to my godmother  about counselors, and spending countless days just wanting to find my light in this dark tunnel that had become my life;I started doing my work.

For me, doing the work included, finding some way to crawl out of this dark tunnel that had swallowed me whole. I got people involved, I continued (and still continue) my sessions, and I kept moving forward.

Despite, any bad day or set back, I had to learn my triggers and find some way to work past them.
Depression for everyone is not the same. Some people will work better with medication, while others will work better with just talking to someone. Either way, you are not in this alone. Depression is a beast! Even though some may view it as something that can be controlled, its not.

While at rock bottom, a church member Mrs. Daisy told me, "This has nothing to do with you! The enemy is trying to cut you off at the root so you are can't produce good fruit. Don't let him.".


So, to those secretly living in pain, in that dark tunnel without a light...
Im praying for you!

You're not in this alone!

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