Too Busy Searching for Superman.

I too have made the mistake. You know, the mistake of falling for the obvious, instead of being patient enough for what's not. The older we get, the more we realize what qualities we all are truly looking for our potential mate.

 

No Kids. Check.

College Degree. Check

Nice Smile. Check

Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

Throughout our time of being single,  that checklist is constantly carried around, just to see who may meet our standards. But what is done when we meet someone , that doesn't quite fit our checklist...just yet? I often see many people making the mistakes of searching for "Superman". Now, Im not saying that I haven't searched for him either, but I like to think I've finally seen Superman, for who he truly is.

 

To most women, he's everything on that checklist. No kids, college degree, nice smile, etc...So in the meantime of yearning for Superman, we ignore those who aren't quite there yet. The reason many of us are single is not because there are no good men left. It's not that they're all married off, or married to white women. It's because we find ourselves ignoring them for the qualities they lack.

Where am I going with this?

Well...

Let me explain.

 

Instantly, when we meet a man, that checklist is pulled from our purse with a pen in hand, and we scroll down that list. The moment he doesn't posses that particular quality, we instantly throw him into the pile of "not good enough". I'm not saying that what is on that list isn't essential to have a growing relationship, but I am saying that some things aren't as important as we think. Don't get me wrong..Dont Settle. No man or relationship is worth that. But in finding Superman, you may see that some qualities aren't that damn important.

 

So what if he doesn't make as much as you, or can't instantly support you? If support is all that you're looking for, you're searching for the right man...Superman. He's there to save you and leave you. Personally for me, I don't need saving...I need investing.

Im not looking for someone that can save me from my own struggles; I'm searching for someone who is willing to invest support, love, and patience throughout the process.

 

Lets be honest with ourselves.

Some of us are still single not because no good men exist,

It's because we're too busy chasing Superman.

 

But we often forget...
Before he was Superman

He was Clark Kent.

I can live with him..But I can't live without her....

He was handsome, charming, and intelligent. It seemed to the naked eye that he was almost too good to be true, but he wasn't. He was a liar, cheat, and heartless person who had grown accustomed to hiding behind his looks. Regardless of the horrible qualities he possessed, I had fallen for him. At first he was my weakness. I mean, he was everything many said I would never have; but overtime he became my security blanket. He became something that needed to be taken away and buried as time grew on, but I continued to clench onto him. Although those close knew he was no good, I couldn't leave; because to me it wasn't that bad! I mean, although he was a liar, cheat and heartless person; he was someone I could live with.

 

Then, there was her. She too had amazing qualities. She was beautiful, charismatic, and smart. Her aura was contagious; lighting up even the darkest night. She also possessed the power to where she could turn even the brightest day into darkness. At time, she appeared judgmental, but humble enough to be understanding. When described by many; the words often used were "unique", "funny" and "sweet". To me, she was rare and I wanted to have her.

 

Now, yes....

I was with him while I was with her, but never at the same time. He hated how carefree she was, and she hated his heart. I just couldn't let either go, because despite his ways, I knew I could live with him, but overtime, I realized I couldn't live without her.

 

Granted, he shouldn't have to share me. Finally, after months of asking, even begging him to commit seriously to our monogamous relationship; who was I to ask him to turn our duo into a threesome? He wasn't up for sharing and neither was I---until her. She had become everything to me. She was full of life, she laughed at every opportunity, and had such a love for God that made those who didn't know Him crave His love.

 

She knew she was special to me; but overtime she grown tired of being neglected and pushed to the side. I had placed him over her, and sadly I could see in her eyes at night as she cried herself to sleep (which had become her nightly routine) that she had grown tired. She had become numb. I knew soon, despite my pleading, my crying, or promises to change, that she would eventually leave. I just couldn't fathom the thought of that happening, because I knew I could live with him, but I couldn't live without her. She had become important to me, but I had grown to love him more than I loved her.

 

Instead of adopting her ways after spending so much time with her, I began to adopt his. My heart had become less of what it once was, and even my love for God had decreased to his level. I still attended church, but the love of God just wasn't like hers was. It became easy to lie with him, because I had began to mirror him. She too had even began to annoy me with her amazing spirit, and her ability to laugh at anything. Even her love for God had become something I couldn't understand. But him, well.... I could live with him, and even at this time, I saw that I could live without her.

 

Just like expected, she left. And my once chaotic threesome, had returned back to my complacent duo. I didn't love him. He didn't love me. But we were using each other as each owns security blanket. I had forgotten her, but she hadn't quite forgotten me. Some days, she would attempt to get in contact with me to only be turned away, to avoid what once was our chaotic relationship.

 

One day, after 5 years of what had become our complacent relationship, I ended things with him .It didn't seem worth it anymore. I too had grown numb to his mean and hateful words, and I just couldn't deal anymore. Soon after, I began to search for her, to possibly rekindle our relationship; to prove to her that I had changed, but she was nowhere to be found.

 

I had settled, and in the process of settling, I had lost her. I lost her for someone I could just live with, but I didn't quite understand that I couldn't live without her.

 

Today, she and I have rekindled our relationship. Her laugh has become mine. Her thoughts are now the same as mine. And her love for God now was mine.

 

You see, in losing her, I lost me. Although I could live with him, I now see, I could no longer live without her.

I wanted that wedding dress...

Proverbs 8:22

"He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and favor from the Lord"

"I have to find my wedding dress!" I blurted out while in David's Bridal in Jacksonville, FL. Other than the ring, that's the next BIG thing to a woman after her engagement. We hurry to get our nails done to take those pictures for facebook and instagram; with our perfect manicure displaying our ring, and then hurry to gather our friends together to help on our attempt to find the perfect wedding dress. You see, this dress will be the last thing we wear in our "old" lives, and the first piece of clothing that follows us into our "married" lives. It has to be perfect; it has to fit just right. The color can't be off (despite how many arguments we have on wearing white) and losing those last 10lbs will always help avoid the dress from appearing too tight. 

Yes, I needed to find the perfect dress! I needed to find the one that was created just for me!! But only one thing was missing.... well maybe a few. 

I didn't have the engagement ring, I didn't have the proposal, and hell, I didn't even have the man. For me, searching for the perfect wedding dress was my way in coming into agreement with God. I had to prove to Him that I believed that my "appointed one" does exist, despite my own doubts. This dress was my way in making a believer out of myself, because after the last couple of men I had dated, I had reached the point of not believing. Now, I know, 24 is a little too young to be panicking about not being married or having any potential candidates; but after watching several colleagues and friends make that merry stroll down the aisle to meet their "appointed one", I found myself timing my pace according to theirs.

I often struggled with praying for that potential mate. I would find myself frustrated at the voice of God, as He replied back, "No, not now." So then I would wait; about a month or two before putting myself back out there again, to only meet a man who was "good enough", to only be back on my knees praying that same "Lord, this man is for me...." prayer, and finding myself frustrated yet again at His voice replying "No, not now! Not this one!".

I remember once when I was 23, having this dream that caused me to wake up in tears, because for once, this dream was far better than reality.
I sat in this white chair while my grandmother smiled from across the room as my mother brushed my hair. "Now Tchernavia, you're his good thing, don't you forget that!" my grandmother said with a smile still plastered to her face. As I looked down, I noticed I was dressed in all white. Not just a normal white, but a bright white that could blind even the onlookers from outside of the venue we were in. Confused as to what was going on and where I was, my mother helped place the veil on my head and covered my face.
VEIL?!?!
I found myself even more confused, so I asked "Who am I marrying?". Immediately, the smile that was once plastered onto my grandmothers face was removed with a frown as she replied "Tchernavia! Don't you start this today! You're going to walk down that aisle and you're going to be his good thing!"

I understood that. The job was simple. I was to walk down the aisle in this beautiful, bright white dress and accept the role of being his good thing; but the job was not what had me hesitant---it was the mystery man.
As my uncle wrapped his arm around mine,, he walked me down the aisle with glee, as he laughed and said "Now, I can walk you right out of here!". I remember looking at him replying "No, this is obviously what I've been appointed to do---
Be his good thing!"
We made it to the end of the aisle and there he was! The man who was mine! he was going to belong to me! With no competition, no pleading, just easily mine; and all I had to say was "I do" in agreeing to be his good thing!

But, before I did; I woke up.

Wait?!? What?!?! Life decided to wake me up int he middle of this perfect dream, and make me realize that the dress, the veil, and even the ring weren't real. Other than being highly disappointed by my perfect dream, l discovered my mission...
which simple:
Be. His. Good. Thing.

I still often worry about getting married. It does bother me a great deal. But overtime, I had to realize that goal was never rush the process in order to get the facebook/instagram pictures, the ring, or even finding the perfect wedding dress.
We are so much bigger than those mere things that we find ourselves attempting to settle for.

You see, along with all that....

My goal is to be his good thing!

...I Loved Him Enough...

Ending our 1 year relationship had to be one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. I mean, during a time where i didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be, his patience was everlasting; and most importantly, very needed. During our relationship, I stopped working and concentrated solely on school, which of course, left me with no money for my cell phone bill; and even at this time my car had met its maker which led me to being without a car. Taking on a full class load, with no money (other than the pocket change I was getting for typing papers for my classmates), he remained patient; because according to him, "I was worth it."

Yes, like any other couple we had our spats and disagreements, from our religious difference, to our views on current events; but after every heated argument, and after every spat he would say "I just want peace, and I want that with you...because you're worth it". Truth be told, I didn't feel worth it. I didn't understand how someone so patient and so calm could think the likes of me, was "worth it". From day one of our meeting, I knew he wasn't going to be like the other men I had dated. I remember sitting in church (during a time where I was still trying to find God and see Him for who He really was) and giving him the "side eye" during an attempt to check him out. I couldn't figure out how to approach this man, but yet I know I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't. 

Well, like several other attempts I failed. I couldn't mustard up the courage to approach him, even though, after being instructed by my aunt, both he and his mom had asked about me. Eventually both my aunt and his mom got together in an attempt to set us up. 

From our first awkward encounter at church, to our first date; he remained non judgmental as to where I was in my life. I was 2 years older than him, and yet he had surpassed me on many levels; which later benefited our relationship. A week after we "made it official", I turned 21, and after a week of asking myself, my aunt, and even his mom as to what I would want for my birthday; he showed up to my birthday dinner empty handed. Confused, and maybe a little upset (ok, downright pissed!) the dinner continued with a mixture of my family, friends, and my new boyfriend. Leaving to go to my aunt and uncles, he offered to drive; and there it sat! In the front passenger seat, a blue velvet teddy bear, with a card that he had written "I thank God everyday for you" beside it. Why all this? Well, according to him, I was worth it!

The demise of our relationship didn't follow a heated argument like the other times we had broken up; no this time, it followed an epiphany. For the first time in any of my relationships, this man treated me like a queen. He was respectful, my family adored him, and he bent over backwards to make me happy, no matter how difficult it was at the time; but he just wasn't the one. "Stay with him until you learn to love him properly" some instructed. "Hes a good guy!" they said. Well, that's very true. He was not only a good guy, he was caring, funny, calm, shy...

he was everything I wasn't. 

But I wasn't in love with that. Truth is, I wasn't in love with him...

but with the image. 

We had started discussing marriage, which for me was the PRIZE! We had even began to start covering as to how we were going to raise our kids (due to some religious differences), and after uncovering how incompatible we truly were, I made the promise to myself that I loved him more in leaving than staying in love with the relationship, because to me, he was worth it. 

He was worth the truth of knowing that I was not the person for him, and he was worth finding that person that was going to be all those things for him, as he was to me....

Because He Was Worth It.

Many times, we as women are blinded by the image of being married, or by finding our prince charming, that we often forget that sometimes we're both worth that happiness. I knew continuing to carry on this relationship wasn't fair to him. He deserved the same patience, happiness, and other qualities that he had given to me; returned back to him. 

I wasn't going to be that person to deprive him of such things, 

because I loved him enough to know....

He was worth it.